When your dreams are not in God's plans for you.

I have not had a week job for four and a half months.  With Christmas upon us, our checking account looks to small to do gifts.  We also have K senior pictures, and visiting colleges.  Then comes applying for colleges, graduation ceremony and the open house.  

Last week I made myself available during the day during the week at my weekend place, Target.  Next week I am working thirteen hours during the week, plus on the weekend.

I did not want to do this because of my body, but the biggest reason is, I have all my life wanted to have an office job and travel.

Now, I was close to that dream but was laid off from work when I was 8 months pregnant.  The company knew that was not good since no other employer would hire me when I could have a baby any day.  I easily could have won a lawsuit for this.  The company and I settled on an agreement.

Since then, I have pretty much stayed home with my children.  I did do some temporary work and then a part-time office job.  It was hard to do these and be in charge of picking the child up from daycare.

For the last sixteen years, I have I worked in retail.  For five years, I worked at two places.  This was not my dream.  Having children was, but I had always thought I work in an office and travel.

Here I am, 49, getting closer and closer to retirement.  The chance of my getting the job and getting smaller and smaller.  Since I left my other job in June, I have applied for almost thirty jobs.  Nothing, nothing.  I am registered with five temporary agencies, and nothing.

When I was little, did God put that dream in me or Satan?  So many things I have wanted have not happen.  My paths have most of the time been different.  I wonder, do I hear God?  Am I not doing something right?  What really are God's plans for me?  Does he not give us the desires or our heart?  No, not all of them.   He knows which ones would hurt us.  Yet, it seems like almost all of mine are not given.

In addition, I thought I was only to work on the weekend and maybe find a hobby to do.  That hobby  would be something I could do if we get a farm.  By working more hours, I am not putting all of my trust in God to provide for us financially.  Have I disappointed God?  How we were to buy gifts this year?  

My prayers for this is that my body does not require more surgeries in the next year.  I pray that the doctors can find a way to fix me.  Also, that this is temporary.