Family Weekend at Southwest Minnesota State Universitys

We had a wonderful weekend visiting our son at college.  It had been a month already since we went to Marshall to move him in.  Our oldest couldn't go with because of work.  It was just my husband and K that went with.

We picked up K early from school and started on our three hour drive.  The toughest part is getting from our end of the cities to the other.  Once we are past that, it is only about two hours.

The drive was beautiful and perfect weather.  The farmers fields though looked bad from the heat, drought and then hail storms they have had.  K was in the back seat listening to her music and napping.  Next to her was the refrigerator that A wanted for his room.  I was in front and was listening to my music.  With the invention of GPSs, the passenger is not needed to read maps.  I love it.  My husband had his music playing through the car stereo.

We arrived to Marshall around supper time.  After going to our son's dorm to pick him up, he immediately told us where he wanted to go.  While eating, K talked to her brother non stop.  W and I wanted to ask him things and A wanted to tell us things, but K barely to breaks to even eat.  After supper we went to the student center to watch Iron Man 3.  Not my kind of movie, but it was free and we were with our son.  After that was over, we walked around the center for a while and then left him at his dorm and we went to our hotel.  We were tired from the drive.

It is Saturday now, and the first thing again he wants to do is go and have breakfast.  The college only serves lunch and supper on the weekends.  A is a skinny, tall kid that eats forever.  We take him to Walmart to do some shopping.  There is no Target in Marshall, and that does not make him happy.  The college has a free lunch for families.  It was good and we even met the dean for the area that A is majoring in.  There was a man who drew caricatures there and we all did that.  A got his room set up with the new chair, frig and microwave.  They had nearby high school marching bands there for a competition.  The problem, they had admission to watch and we were not prepared for that.  A took us on a tour of the campus some more and then we called it a night.

It is Sunday morning and K says she needs to get home to do homework and A says he has some also.  We have breakfast and then say goodbye.  We once again make the three hour trip back home.  We won't see him now until Thanksgiving.  We miss him but with K looking at colleges herself and preparing for graduation, we do stay busy.

Here are pictures of the campus at Southwest Minnesota State University.

Things are looking up!!!!!!!!!!!

I am feeling better about life these days.

My horse, Dinah, is doing much better.  Her injury is 99% healed.  When Dinah trots, there might be a lag but it is hard to tell.  When she does lope, there is a small lag.  Otherwise, Dinah can walk and trot and canter with no pain.  It is so fun to watch her let herself go now.  You can tell Dinah is happy, she bucks and shakes her head.  She has been couped up for so long it made her crazy.  Now that we got on her, Dinah decides to do what she wants.  We need to remind her that we want certain things from her and when we cue her she should respond, just like before the injury.  We have a leaser and Dinah takes advantage of this lady's nervousness.  Our leaser had a lesson with our trainer.  They started from square 1.  It went well and Dinah is responding much better to our leaser.  The trainer also said that Dinah looks good and if there is a lag it is so small it is not to think about.

This weekend we finally got a good soaking beneficial rain.  It was wonderful.  Everything outside has perked up.  Now, a few days later and we are getting some more light rain.  The farmers are sure happy.  I am sad to hear that other parts of the US are having devastating floods.  Here is our state we were in a severe drought.

My oldest boyfriend finally got a paying job for writing.  We are all so happy as that is his passion and he is good at it.  It is a step in the right direction for him.  It will not pay enough for him to live on his own so he still needs to find something else to do.

I see God working again in my life and those around me.  Like I have said before, I always look even for the small.  We can easily get depressed and that is our human nature.  We pray forever for something to happen and everything else falls around it.  But then, things do start changing.  Thank you God for everything you do.  I am sorry for all the sins I have done.

Now waiting to hear from my son that his academics at college are better than before.  He is doing well there with everything else.  I am also waiting for my husband to get a different job within his company.  And waiting for some job for me for during the week.

Have a great rest of the week everyone and enjoy what God is doing for you.

Life like the Amish

Our children are living in a age of total dependency on technology and electricity.  We see that and experience as parents when there is no power or when the phone cables and internet are malfunctioning.  Our children say we are like the Amish.  That that this is what it must be like.

About three months ago, our area had three days of dangerous storms move through the area.  My mom lost the power to her house which in turn made her phone not work.  She is 87 and does not use a cell phone.  When we called to see if she was okay and the phone didn't work, we were on our way to see what was wrong.  My mom was fine but worried about her refrigerated food.  My brother went to get her ice and they filled up two coolers with ice and food.  She ate the leftover food and listened to the radio that had batteries.  She was without power for a total of three days.

Now my mom does not have internet but she does have television and a dvd player.  My children were just amazed that she lasted that long without television to entertain her.  My brother and I, and my oldest were more concerned about her having food to eat and staying cool without air conditioner.  Luckily her house is shaded by big trees.  Our children only know television, internet and cell phones to entertain them.  They open the fridge without concern for spoiling food.  They count on the microwave always working.  When any of these is malfunctioning, their world falls apart.  My mom grew up on a farm during the depression where no you had nothing but your toys, family and pets to entertain you.

Just recently we had problems with our phone line and the inside of the phone jack inside of our house.  We had no phone.  Yes, we had our cell phones, but many people only have our landline numbers.  In addition, not every area in the house is there service and I don't enjoy carrying my cell phone all around in order to answer it.

K had homework to do and could only be done with the help of the internet.  We were trying fix the phone and during that time, we didn't have internet.  She made some funny comeback that she was going to tell her teacher.  I appalls me that teachers are relying on the internet for children to do their homework.  We did get the internet working but still no phone.

We are up and running again.  Everything got fixed.  I am still just  amazed at how dependent we have become on these luxury things that we now consider standard.

Overseeing Show's season is over

Well, today was the last horse show for the season for this other saddle club.  To sum it up it went fairly well.

A couple of days before it look like I was not going to have enough volunteers, always a problem.  K, who didn't go to any game show from this saddle club, decided to help me out.  In addition, our leaser for our horse did also.

The weather, well that was okay.  It didn't storm and it wasn't cold or snowing.  But, it was hot and dry.  The footing was dusty.

I get there and things were already opened up for me.  Some helpers were already there. The judge arrived and delivered his papers.  We got everything set up and people started handing in the entry cards and paying.

We got started and everyone seemed happy.  It was a small crowd.  I figured the heat played a factor in it.  We have had the show on the same weekend in years past.  It competes with two communities special days, a thing called Warrior Dash, and students being back at college or school.

As the day went on, more people came for other events; and people stayed and decided to ride in more classes.

We ended the show about eleven hours after it started.  That is a pretty good show.  I really would have liked a bigger turnout but will not complain.  The weather made it difficult to work in.

I am now done for the year.  I believe I have successfully overseen many shows this year.  The clubs have brought in quiet a bit of money, the judges have enjoyed themselves, the riders enjoyed themselves and the volunteers didn't get too worked out.

Will I do this next year?  Probably not.  The biggest reason is K will be graduating high school.  There will be applying for college and then registering for classes.  Plus the ceremony and open house.  We will be moving A back from college and then back again.  I love the recognition and the job well done.  But this year the stress has really gotten to me along with the people that were not happy.

One odd thing, I have always wanted a horse but got one when one of my children had a passion also for them.  I got into the saddle clubs because of her wanting to show.  Once she is away at college, she won't be able to show.  What will I do now?  Will I continue to be members of saddle clubs?  Will I continue to volunteer?  Will I get into the showing passion?

My family would I rather just keep the horse, occasionally see it with a leaser involved and that be it.  We will see what the next chapter brings.

This is a very personal and hard post to write.  But, I need to just vent for a little bit.  Through this one I hope there is some wife out there that this sounds familiar and can provide comfort and maybe some helpful ideas.

I have been married to W for twenty-seven years.  We were engaged for one year and had been dating for two years prior to that.  We met in college and were actually friends for about a year before even dating.  I had a boyfriend back at home when we met.

Our marriage started out happy.  During our second year, my father-in-law was diagnosed with colon and liver cancer.  He passed away one year later.  I obviously didn't know he that well.  My husband become the main person to take care of his mom's finances.  We already had experienced a stress moment in our marriage.  Little did we know we would have more shortly after.  I don't know exactly when our marriage turned sour, or if it slowly did.  I can't say exactly what contributed to it only my ideas.

We were married three short years when our first daughter was born.  I had been working and had plan to continue since I had the benefits.  About a month before M was born, I received a layoff notice.  My dad didn't like it and thought that maybe it was because of my pregnancy.  I met with a lawyer for the company and they told me it wasn't.  I still didn't like it.  They didn't want me to sue so they offered me a wonderful package.  We had no money for a lawyer so I accepted.  Now, everything fell upon my husband and his job.  It was financially hard at first.  My dad offered to pay for me to finish college.  I did that and graduated when M was one.  W did not want me to go back to work.  Between the birth of our oldest and our second was difficult.  I tried some jobs but it was hard with no help from my husband for daycare.  W left his first employer and went to another.  One year later he was laid off.  He finally got a job and then had to move two hours away from home for almost two years.  During that time my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and our second child was born.  Praise the Lord and my mom beat the cancer.  Over the course of ten years, W went through a few employers.  When our last child was one and half, I went to work at a retail store for the weekends.  I am still there and have had many positions there.  This last employer for my husband has lasted eight years and still counting.

I have had health problems with one making it difficult to get pregnant.  This clearly has been difficult for my husband and created in his mind the fact that I hated him.

Prior to his heart surgery three years ago, it was horrible.  Our children wished we would get a divorce so there would be peace in the house.  After the surgery, he became a different person.  Until, the real world came back and we started having major life stresses again.  He tells me that I am always argumentative, hurtful, condescending, accusing and attacking him.  W will spend five, ten or fifteen minutes talking about the things I do that are wrong or hurt him.  When I try to let him know that same thing (or what I am going through), he says that it is still my fault or I am remembering things wrong.  It is all about him and how I need to change.  W takes what I say and changes it to be something negative about him.    If I have had a bad day for whatever reason, I haven taken out on him (no matter if we have not seen each other all day).  Yet when he does, either he doesn't take out on me, or it is okay because I need to give him understanding and support him.

W gets upset if I spend time at the stables, with friends or at the saddle club functions.  I don't see him all day then I am not home to give him a hug.  He on the other hand, is always there even though after work he has to exercise for his diabetes.

He has the mind frame that my job is to make money, take care of the children, make meals, and all the other chores and be there for him.  His job, is to make money.  Nothing else.  If my opinion on a subject is different than his, he proceeds to tell me I am wrong.  W does everything to convince me.  

W has double standards.  He can do things and treat me one way and I have to be a different way.  I feel so alone.  I know I can't change him, but I do not enjoy being in his company.  I don't know what else to do.  Our children do experience and agree how he is towards me.  I do think that they sometimes think I might be better alone.

Sorry this is such a long post.  I just get so discouraged.

It is my birthday today.  I am 49 years old.  There are some days I feel that old considering all the surgeries I have had.  Most days though I don't feel that old.  I have had a few people ask me if I adopted my oldest child.  I don't understand the question and ask why.  Their response is for a child to be of that age there is no way you could be old enough to have had her.  I proceed to ask them how old they think I am.  90% of the time their answer is about ten years younger than I actually am.  I feel complimented by that and thank them yet after many years of this I for once would like to people to guess my age within one year of it.

My birthdays are sometimes hard for me.  Ever since I was a little girl and could understand things, I knew I was adopted.  I also knew my brother was too, except we were from two different families.  I love my brother and loved my dad.  I have not always gotten along with my mom and have times as a teenager felt to not be the right match for this family.  I have always wanted to know who my parents were and any other family.  I can't say it was to replace my current one, but to know who I look like, act like and whose health problems I inherited.  I did find out a little big of information about my mom's side.  I started a letter communication with her only other daughter.  I then received letters from my mother's sister.  I know a lot about them and have gotten a little bit of information about my father and mother.  My mother does not want to communicate with me and the records are sealed for my father.

After I got a job and moved out on my own, my mom and I developed a good relationship.  To this day, I know these are my parents and I love them dearly.  But there are two people who created me even in God's eyes.  My brother has never searched for any information on his parents.  Since my dad has been gone, I do feel a void.  Do I hire a lawyer to get a judge to open those records?  I don't know.  I ended the relationship with my half-sister.  It was a one-way relationship.  Her letters were all about her and wanting gifts for her daughters and her.  She never really cared what was happening in my life.  My aunt is different.  The relationship still exists but on my terms.

Some days my children tell me that I have no biological information to contribute to them if they have to do reports for school.  Yet, they love their grandparents dearly.  I believe as they get older, they will understand that what I have they will enjoy hearing.  My husband knows about the mental illness my sister and mother have.  He uses those against me when that information can help him prove his point.

Does my mom think about me on this day?  Does my father?  Has my father told his family about me?  Is he still alive?

Finances have prevented me from adopted children myself.  I wanted children of my own, but would have also loved to adopt.  Or, open my home up to young women that are single and wanting to give up their child after it is born.

As I sit here on my birthday, I know that God placed me in the family he did so that I could have the basic needs and opportunities to do things I wanted and to grow.  His hand is also in whether I know things about my parents or have a relationship.  He also has determined the finances to not help children or pregnant unwed mothers.  Last but not least, he allows situations to happen such as being a stay at home mom, all these surgeries, the problems my children face to somehow strength and teach me.  

I do wonder what my purpose is.  Many of my dreams and passions have been snuffed out.  I have had an allergic reaction to something so severe that my throat swelled up almost completely shut.  It was a miracle that I woke up and got to the emergency room.  With all the hard aches I have experienced since then, I wonder why I survived.  I have learned to find things instead of seeing what is not there.

Once I get to heaven, will I see my biological parents and know that is them?  Good question.  But for now, Happy Birthday to me!!!!

Horse Show

Another successful horse show chaired on the books.  It was a beautiful day except the dirt in the arena was so dry that when the riders rode, a lot of dust was put up by the hooves.  This made it hard for the judge to see the horse and rider.  It even caused some horses to cough.  It sure would have been nice to have had rain to wet the ground.

My daughter didn't bring our horse there.  The first reason, our horse is still recovering from the injury.  Also, it was to have been a hot day.

The day started out with Pleasure riders.  When I got there, nothing was set up.  I started telling people that I had no key to open the trailer.  Voila, someone came with there key.  People started setting things up.  But wait, where are my office helpers?  They didn't show up.  Good thing my daughter came through with her commitment.   The judge arrived and asked to help.  She did a little.  We started a little late, but that was okay.  This show was only for members of this club.  Now, my other helpers, they didn't show up.  Scramble again.  

The Pleasure riders had fun.  So did the judge.  It went by rather quickly as to few entrants.  

Next were the Gamers.  That part didn't need a judge so we paid her and thanked her for coming.  The Gaming portion always takes a while.  You have to stop and set up the pattern again after a rider knocks something down.  A rider might fall off their horse, or the horse doesn't want to come in right away.  Riders are allowed to ride more than one horse.  I seemed to have more help with this part of the show.

The show ended by mid-afternoon.  Everyone had a great time and the club made some more money.

I was tired.  I had worked all day long.  I came home and showered.  I started looking for my things and couldn't find the money box.  I drove back and it was gone.  I called the last family that was there and the went and saw it in the trailer.  I think I have done so much my mind was fried by that point.

The part I think is goofy is that people put down their hours of working and I clearly know they didn't do it.  I love watching a show go off with very little problems, riders and spectators having a great time.  I feel a sense of accomplishment that the judge had a positive experience and that the club made money.

I don't think I will be the chair of this committee next year for this club.  With my youngest graduating high school and all of the activities surrounding that; along with my son moving back home from being gone his first year at college then moving back; and that my husband would like to sell and get a smaller house with land, I will be too busy.  I love doing this but there is too much pressure to do it successfully next year.

Well, I have another one next weekend.  This is for a different club and this is a large one with participants coming from other clubs and all around the state.  Time to get things in order for that one.