It is my birthday today.  I am 49 years old.  There are some days I feel that old considering all the surgeries I have had.  Most days though I don't feel that old.  I have had a few people ask me if I adopted my oldest child.  I don't understand the question and ask why.  Their response is for a child to be of that age there is no way you could be old enough to have had her.  I proceed to ask them how old they think I am.  90% of the time their answer is about ten years younger than I actually am.  I feel complimented by that and thank them yet after many years of this I for once would like to people to guess my age within one year of it.

My birthdays are sometimes hard for me.  Ever since I was a little girl and could understand things, I knew I was adopted.  I also knew my brother was too, except we were from two different families.  I love my brother and loved my dad.  I have not always gotten along with my mom and have times as a teenager felt to not be the right match for this family.  I have always wanted to know who my parents were and any other family.  I can't say it was to replace my current one, but to know who I look like, act like and whose health problems I inherited.  I did find out a little big of information about my mom's side.  I started a letter communication with her only other daughter.  I then received letters from my mother's sister.  I know a lot about them and have gotten a little bit of information about my father and mother.  My mother does not want to communicate with me and the records are sealed for my father.

After I got a job and moved out on my own, my mom and I developed a good relationship.  To this day, I know these are my parents and I love them dearly.  But there are two people who created me even in God's eyes.  My brother has never searched for any information on his parents.  Since my dad has been gone, I do feel a void.  Do I hire a lawyer to get a judge to open those records?  I don't know.  I ended the relationship with my half-sister.  It was a one-way relationship.  Her letters were all about her and wanting gifts for her daughters and her.  She never really cared what was happening in my life.  My aunt is different.  The relationship still exists but on my terms.

Some days my children tell me that I have no biological information to contribute to them if they have to do reports for school.  Yet, they love their grandparents dearly.  I believe as they get older, they will understand that what I have they will enjoy hearing.  My husband knows about the mental illness my sister and mother have.  He uses those against me when that information can help him prove his point.

Does my mom think about me on this day?  Does my father?  Has my father told his family about me?  Is he still alive?

Finances have prevented me from adopted children myself.  I wanted children of my own, but would have also loved to adopt.  Or, open my home up to young women that are single and wanting to give up their child after it is born.

As I sit here on my birthday, I know that God placed me in the family he did so that I could have the basic needs and opportunities to do things I wanted and to grow.  His hand is also in whether I know things about my parents or have a relationship.  He also has determined the finances to not help children or pregnant unwed mothers.  Last but not least, he allows situations to happen such as being a stay at home mom, all these surgeries, the problems my children face to somehow strength and teach me.  

I do wonder what my purpose is.  Many of my dreams and passions have been snuffed out.  I have had an allergic reaction to something so severe that my throat swelled up almost completely shut.  It was a miracle that I woke up and got to the emergency room.  With all the hard aches I have experienced since then, I wonder why I survived.  I have learned to find things instead of seeing what is not there.

Once I get to heaven, will I see my biological parents and know that is them?  Good question.  But for now, Happy Birthday to me!!!!