I have been married to W for twenty-seven years. We were engaged for one year and had been dating for two years prior to that. We met in college and were actually friends for about a year before even dating. I had a boyfriend back at home when we met.
Our marriage started out happy. During our second year, my father-in-law was diagnosed with colon and liver cancer. He passed away one year later. I obviously didn't know he that well. My husband become the main person to take care of his mom's finances. We already had experienced a stress moment in our marriage. Little did we know we would have more shortly after. I don't know exactly when our marriage turned sour, or if it slowly did. I can't say exactly what contributed to it only my ideas.
We were married three short years when our first daughter was born. I had been working and had plan to continue since I had the benefits. About a month before M was born, I received a layoff notice. My dad didn't like it and thought that maybe it was because of my pregnancy. I met with a lawyer for the company and they told me it wasn't. I still didn't like it. They didn't want me to sue so they offered me a wonderful package. We had no money for a lawyer so I accepted. Now, everything fell upon my husband and his job. It was financially hard at first. My dad offered to pay for me to finish college. I did that and graduated when M was one. W did not want me to go back to work. Between the birth of our oldest and our second was difficult. I tried some jobs but it was hard with no help from my husband for daycare. W left his first employer and went to another. One year later he was laid off. He finally got a job and then had to move two hours away from home for almost two years. During that time my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and our second child was born. Praise the Lord and my mom beat the cancer. Over the course of ten years, W went through a few employers. When our last child was one and half, I went to work at a retail store for the weekends. I am still there and have had many positions there. This last employer for my husband has lasted eight years and still counting.
I have had health problems with one making it difficult to get pregnant. This clearly has been difficult for my husband and created in his mind the fact that I hated him.
Prior to his heart surgery three years ago, it was horrible. Our children wished we would get a divorce so there would be peace in the house. After the surgery, he became a different person. Until, the real world came back and we started having major life stresses again. He tells me that I am always argumentative, hurtful, condescending, accusing and attacking him. W will spend five, ten or fifteen minutes talking about the things I do that are wrong or hurt him. When I try to let him know that same thing (or what I am going through), he says that it is still my fault or I am remembering things wrong. It is all about him and how I need to change. W takes what I say and changes it to be something negative about him. If I have had a bad day for whatever reason, I haven taken out on him (no matter if we have not seen each other all day). Yet when he does, either he doesn't take out on me, or it is okay because I need to give him understanding and support him.
W gets upset if I spend time at the stables, with friends or at the saddle club functions. I don't see him all day then I am not home to give him a hug. He on the other hand, is always there even though after work he has to exercise for his diabetes.
He has the mind frame that my job is to make money, take care of the children, make meals, and all the other chores and be there for him. His job, is to make money. Nothing else. If my opinion on a subject is different than his, he proceeds to tell me I am wrong. W does everything to convince me.
W has double standards. He can do things and treat me one way and I have to be a different way. I feel so alone. I know I can't change him, but I do not enjoy being in his company. I don't know what else to do. Our children do experience and agree how he is towards me. I do think that they sometimes think I might be better alone.
Sorry this is such a long post. I just get so discouraged.
I am so sorry you are having a hard time and feeling discouraged. Prayers for you, friend.
ReplyDeleteI have been married to my husband for only about 6 years, but we have been dealt our fair share of tough times already. We are currently struggling with infertility. Thank goodness, we have remained strong inspite of it all. I think one of the things that has really helped me have a good relationship with my hubby is a little thing I do... I pick out something that is invaluable about him to me - one big value of his is his loyalty. I have no doubt that he would ever be unloyal. So I focus on that a lot. A focus on the fact that other women have unfaithful husbands, but mine has always been true and will continue to be. I am not saying doing this would fix your marriage, as I am no marriage counselor. Just sharing what helps us in the rough times!! We also make a point to try and go out on a date at least once a month, and we hope this will continue until we can't walk out the door anymore. It seems sometimes a man holds a double-standard when he is really feeling incredibly inadequate himself. Sometimes a little confidence boost from the once love of his life can help so much. Best of luck to you, and thanks so much for visiting my blog today!
Thank you again for your suggestions. I really do try to find the good in people, and I always want peace and people to be happy. You are right in him feeling inadequate about himself. The saying goes that those that view themselves as worthless put others down and they then feel better about themselves. My husband has always blame the children for things and I. He will say it was not his fault. This even seeps into his job. If something is his fault, he takes it so personally and goes into a slump. His self-esteem is so low. His mom was on medication for depression when he was kid and still is. It is obviously is genetic. Yet his mood swings are hard to predict. I truly believe there is a chemical problem in his brain.
ReplyDeleteHe recently told me that when I want to go somewhere and he doesn't go along, he believes that other people are going to have the opinion that he is a bad husband. Though no one has really said this to him it is his perception. There was a couple of incidents from other children when he was little that has stayed in his memory to this day. These words have created his personality today. Those words about him is how he views other people's thoughts of him. It also controls how he has relationships with friends, family and me. With this chemical imbalance and past statements from his childhood makes him a man that can't have a mature relationship and holds him as a little child.
I try to do what I can, but I can't change the past. That is something he needs to get past that himself. I also can't say enough positive things about him each day, that is where is professional can help him.
I do believe that doing things together is important. That is something we weren't able to do in the early years of our marriage. There was lack of money, babysitter and he was gone for work.
I hope the next few years are better and that he will realize that he needs help and the children and I can't do it for him.